In His Comfort

It’s a wonderful feeling to wake up free, joyful and bursting with love. A few years ago I didn’t thought it possible to feel this way as a single Christian. Now, my life has taken on new meaning. Not just for what will happen in my future, but for all the great undertakings God has for me now. In my singleness I have found my true purpose in God and with this revelation comes a lot of peace. With this revelation comes a passion filled vision, that’s bigger me and anyone I could ever cross paths with.

I have become that whole. Complete in Him that was crucified. Marching daily in His will, it’s always forward still. I am seeking His kingdom first and all His righteousness. There is just too much to do to just sit around wondering what’s next. So if you are single, and in misery I assure you, there is great comfort in HIM. You might be trying to find happiness my manipulating someone into being your spouse, lying about who you really are, bending over backwards just so things will work. But if that’s what you have to do, you will always hurt. Remember whatever you do to start the relationship, will require a lot more work to maintain it. Seek the Lord in all your ways, sometimes when it’s too hard God is saying let go! He wants to give you that true peace. Only trust that He wants the BEST for you!

MAN UP

manup

A few weeks ago I was at a workshop geared towards men. The theme of this workshop was “Maximizing Your Manhood”. The information was wonderful. There were pastors sharing their experiences to empower younger men. I wish all the single brothers I knew could be there because frankly most men today don’t really know how to be men. They have been socialized into taking on more feminine roles while women seem to be taking the lead.

In most modern homes even when a father is present, the mother is the sole authority on raising the children. I am by no means bashing women, but young men need the mentorship of other men. Mom’s instructions and guidance are wonderful and most times wise, but she is giving it from a female’s perspective. Fathers need to have a relationship with their sons. Talk to them about women, talk to them about handling disputes, take them fishing and hunting, help them plan their future, share your experiences with them. Share the man code. If the father is not present another male can step up to the plate and be a father figure.

After Joshua, there arose a generation that new not God, from what I’m seeing soon there will be a generation of men that will be so emasculated that its scares me. What will happen to the generation that follows me? Or the one after that? Women should not have to limit their achievements to make men feel better about themselves. So many women are currently being verbally and physically abused by weak men that don’t know how to lead. For these men slapping a woman around gives them the leadership role in the relationship. But that’s not being a leader, that’s being a boss. People are willing to follow leaders, but no one likes a boss. Leaders are visionaries not manipulators. Men I beg of you arise and be the leaders you were called to be.
I really thought I was the only one thinking about it, only to find that so many families and churches are grappling with this. Just a note to women, we are not to tear our men down, but to help them build and get to the place God has called them to be.

“I’ve Invested Too Much”

investment

I have invested too much to leave.

If the above is your sole reason for staying in a relationship you will always be missing out on the joy of having a union in which you are treated the way that you are to be.

So many men spend heavily on women that have no real desire of being with them but despite being treated like the scum of the earth they stick around because “they have invested too much.” There are women that stay in abusive relationships to their deaths. Why? “They have been together for years and there is just too much invested. But who really gains from these arrangements?

Recently there has been much news about Ponzi investment schemes, which promise high interest and quick returns. So many people invested all their life savings in them because of a hope living free. Why should they work if their money can work for them? Right? Only to find that after a while these schemes failed and they ended up losing everything having to start all over again (I know a few people that this happened to).

There is much similarity between a Ponzi scheme and being in a relationship investing away in something that is not real. You might get some return that might be high in your book, like filling the need to not being lonely, social status, financial support, etc. However be assured of this, if the instrument you invest in is phony, even if you are getting some amount of return, its failure is only a matter of time.

I will however advise don’t just leave a relationship because you feel mistreated as sometimes we make things bigger than they actually are. Pray about it. Seek a third unbiased opinion. Get counselling; who knows maybe everything was a big misunderstanding. Whatever you do, take a decision that’s in the best interest of your heart.

God Bless You

We Just Wanna Know

Women want men that can lead

Men generally feel that the women of this society (being more educated and all) don’t want to be lead by them.  I don’t believe this as there may be some misunderstanding where this is concerned.

A Woman doesn’t mind a man leading – but when he seems to operate without a compass it scares and confuses her. On the job we often find it very challenging to do our work if those we report to are not clear in defining goals and what it is we are to do. It is no different in relationships. In the man’s seat of authority, he must be clear on what it is that he is expecting. Women don’t just want to know what you are thinking of doing (Getting a car, buying a house, investments, marriage, children, etc). We want to know why, when, how, etc. We just want to know.

Initially little uncertainties (not knowing) make women hesitant but as this persist we get frustrated. At this point of frustration, a man feels hassled and annoyed. Thus everyone goes around in circles being ruled by negative emotions. If communication is poor this may cause a further breakdown or end of the relationship altogether.

It is simple if men want to lead they must step up and forget about their pride. Men, sometimes when you don’t know the answers say so. Maybe you’ll both find a solution together, one that you both will work towards. So yes there are women who don’t mind men leading it’s just a little more dynamic.

What if you never got married?

I remember having a conversation with a female colleague when I just started graduate study. She expressed to me that she wouldn’t dear take on studies beyond the undergraduate level until she was married. This was because most men that are single and looking for a wife are not as qualified and having a master’s degree would rule out possible future mates. I could understand her logic, men being egotistical and all, but my question to her was: “What if you never got married?”

This conversation happened eight years ago and this young lady still has all her career dreams and aspirations on hold waiting for this elusive mate. Why should one delay their dreams without even being in a committed relationship?  By committed relationship, I mean married or officially declared/ engaged. Not a mere promise from someone who is not accountable to you or anyone else and can leave the next minute if it pleased him.

To an extent I think women generally have an innate need for commitment. Sometimes when its not there we still assume it to be there. A woman can be in a relationship for months and years and her main reason for staying is because she believes that he is going to marry her. She will give up opportunities just for that very fact. Even if officially the other person (the man) did not declare this. Her hope is place in what she sees in the future and as this commitment is delayed, disappointment sets in. She may even become resentful often considering what she gave up or is still giving up.

My dear sisters, live your lives in contentment. Appreciate your current situations and make the most of them. If you are not committed to a man, there is no need to delay your life just to please him. But you will find, if you live your life being happy in your state, giving of yourself to the Lord and seizing each day, you will have joy and peace in God’s comforting presence.  Don’t get manipulative or use ultimatums to get men to commit to you. Just live the life God intended for you to live. Who knows in putting the Lord first, He’ll just send you someone who is truly ready to commit. At least then, you won’t have any resentment. Trust the Lord!

 

It’s not a want, IT’S A NEED!

 Though it is customary for all to think that all women live in Lala-land believing in a prince Charming or that we all yearn for “tall dark and handsome”- when you get to the core of us you find that- this is sometimes far from the truth.  Women come in many variations and are sometimes so diverse that it’s hard for men to understand us. But there is one language that when spoken correctly we all get it! It’s called love.

 This is most definitely not talking about a man that is being overly needy or jealous—its more about someone that goes above and beyond to love his woman on her terms not expecting anything in return.

Loving her on her terms shows her that you pay attention to her needs. Loving her on her terms could mean that you hold her hands when walking together just because she likes it.  It could be not holding her hand because that’s not her thing.  Either way, you must make her feel loved on her terms without making her feel like you are doing what you do because you are expecting her to do something in return. When men do things just for returned favors it puts them in a position to get used.  A man has to understand that that love void in a woman if filled creates an aim and desire to please him.

 The worst thing a man can do is threat the woman in his life like a second class citizen, even if it is not intentional. Many marriages break up because men work too many hours, or are too busy with other things. Even though she knows it’s to support the family not receiving that loving affection throws her off.  Many women get frustrated not receiving this love and are led to think that their significant other is unable of loving them as they ought.  This lack further derails the relationship as additional voids are highlighted and before you know it, two people that were once in love find themselves in nasty divorce battles.

 It doesn’t have to go that far. Let’s do what the Bible says: Eph. 5:22-27: Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Spoilt Tomatoes, Buyer Beware

 

Tomatoes-007

Normally when I shop for tomatoes I would go to the vegetable market, handpick the ones I want after scrutinizing them individually before I pay. If I pick one up that’s bad or show signs of rot, I would put it back in the pile. But there are times when I buy tomatoes in the supermarket and they are nicely packaged and wrapped in a size that’s very convenient to me.  No time to handpick, I  just grab and go.

Its time to cook and I reach in my refrigerator for the tomatoes that I bought at the supermarket nicely packaged only to fine that, they weren’t all that lovely as they were packaged in a way that the rotten parts were not revealed. Sounds familiar…..

It should be, if not with vegetables, with relationships. You meet someone and they are out of this world amazing only to find that they were only disguising their true rotten self. Often when you figure it out you have already made the purchase or have given of yourself something that you can’t take back, your effort, time, emotions etc. Yes it sucks, cause no one wants to get stuck with rotten tomatoes.

So this is what you do:

  1. Be very PATIENT in selecting your significant other.
  2. Scrutinize before you buy. Its better to find out the individuals fault before you commit to them. In doing this everyone is on the same page limiting the potential for relationship threatening surprises.
  3. Ask God to guide you in selecting, He won’t steer you wrong.
  4. And finally, be HONEST and true about yourself. If you don’t want to take home a rotten tomato, don’t be one.

God Bless J

Love Expectations

while im waiting

When I think about my future husband, I always imagine someone who is not only going to be a lover but someone who is able to be my best friend, brother, partner, pastor and companion. Based on what or who I saw, there came a time when I took a decision that maybe I’m better off by myself. I can’t speak for all women, but I do believe that we don’t just want to be a spouse, but rather we want to be a part of his everything.

I want the love of my future husband to recognise that I’m more than a beautiful face and shape. I have God aspirations. I am anointed to do great things in the Kingdom. I am poised to be great in all aspects of my life. I want him to know that the spirit of excellence is upon my life. And I want him to also appreciate all these things about me.

I’ve never believed in mediocrity, though sometimes in my zeal I might overlook some areas and things might appear that way. And so, I am by no means seeking mediocrity in a life partner. I wonder at times, do I have a perfect match? And if I get together someone that meets my expectations, will I meet his? Oh the mystery of God’s will at times.

Our expectations can be so crazy that we get love in the palm of our hands but might not hold to it because, it doesn’t meet our expectations. The goal is to ensure that we base our love expectations on Godly principles. Before forming expectations, get in the WORD. What says the Bible about a good wife or husband? How should they operate? If our expectations are flawed, we might in the future endure hard times in our relationships when these expectations are not met. My prayer today is that in looking for our spouse, we build our expectations on the principles that God has set out in the WORD.

 

Single By Love!

Often you hear the many reasons why individuals are single, common of which are by choice and by circumstances. But how can one be single by love. Doesn’t love bring us together? Doesn’t love draw others to you?

Many can testify that they are not single because they choose to be. They can also tell you it’s not because they couldn’t be married. But it was more so because they are waiting and preparing for that one individual that God will bid them to. They might have met someone that they fell head over heels for. Everything went in gear to move towards marriage and the Lord said no. God wasn’t trying to make them unhappy, but He has the ability to see what is in the future for both individuals concerned. As such they can say I am alone because God said so. In their love for God they obeyed. While there are others that did their own thing, ignoring what God has instructed and later on would have to bear the burden of the pain of disobedience.

There is also the scenario of marrying someone that you are not in love with. Many enter loveless marriages for varying reasons: status, money, stability, sex, citizenship, to fit in and the list goes on. But marriage shouldn’t be based on these vain things or whenever these are gone, the marriage will crumble. Love bears all things so it will cause people to cling to each other. The vainness of our society has devastatingly affected the marriages of today. The divorce rate is proof of that. It is better to be single waiting for love than to marry for reasons other than what God intended and end up going through the trauma of a broken marriage.

Then there is the scenario of red flags and cards going up all over the place. That is, you met or like someone, but they do little things that indicate to you that they are just not right for you. These are not just frivolous things, but cornerstones to who you are. Things like that individual’s faithfulness to God and family. Is that person obedient to the word of God? This is always a good distinguisher. How compromising are they? Key note in this area will give you a true idea of the individual’s character. In this sense you love you enough to not be led like a sheep to the slaughter by a ravenous wolf.

One can be single because God (love) said so. You can be single because you genuinely want to marry for love. And finally, you can be single because you love yourself enough to chose wisely. SO yes we can be single by love!

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