A New Critical Path- Trust

Kerrytiger

I have always looked for the critical path- the shortest possible route in everything that I do. Being efficient has always been a big deal to me. I found the fastest way to earn a degree, the fastest way to finish work projects, to get house work done, to get promoted, to own a home etc. However, my critical path methodology never seemed to work on relationships and this is why. My career, education, physical possessions and all these things are all different from relationships. Relationships don’t happen because you plan them.

Relationships require intimacy (closeness, familiarity, understanding, confidence, affection, tenderness). Now to be honest I have met individuals that I felt connected to. But I can’t remember ever having a confidence in someone’s character, to really trust to the point of vouching for them. I had deep affection, I felt close and there was even tenderness. But I was short tempered and not patient with a lot of things, and it boils down to confidence in the other person. Just as I can say the Lord will deliver me, because I know he will. If I know for real that this individual’s motives are true then I can rest in that fact. But I can’t be confident in what I don’t know.

Men are sometimes not truly expressive of who they are in ways that women appreciate. And even if they talk a lot, its usually a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with the main course. Fellas if we don’t know you, we wont trust you. Trust comes from intimacy. Knowing enough to believe. Trust is not faith. Trust comes with evidence that can be seen. Women require security- not knowing makes us edgy and annoying. Ive been there. I’m happy today that I’m over that. I have a God with whom I’ve learned to be intimate. Not just praying because I know I have to pray. But to actual know him and commune with him, it is just a blessing. This gives me the strength to wait. I’m learning to be patient with others. It has now created the basis on which my relationship with my future husband will be built.

One of love, trust and sweet communion. I’ve found a new critical path- thank you LORD!

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In His Comfort

It’s a wonderful feeling to wake up free, joyful and bursting with love. A few years ago I didn’t thought it possible to feel this way as a single Christian. Now, my life has taken on new meaning. Not just for what will happen in my future, but for all the great undertakings God has for me now. In my singleness I have found my true purpose in God and with this revelation comes a lot of peace. With this revelation comes a passion filled vision, that’s bigger me and anyone I could ever cross paths with.

I have become that whole. Complete in Him that was crucified. Marching daily in His will, it’s always forward still. I am seeking His kingdom first and all His righteousness. There is just too much to do to just sit around wondering what’s next. So if you are single, and in misery I assure you, there is great comfort in HIM. You might be trying to find happiness my manipulating someone into being your spouse, lying about who you really are, bending over backwards just so things will work. But if that’s what you have to do, you will always hurt. Remember whatever you do to start the relationship, will require a lot more work to maintain it. Seek the Lord in all your ways, sometimes when it’s too hard God is saying let go! He wants to give you that true peace. Only trust that He wants the BEST for you!

Taken for Granted

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“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Eph. 4:32

The above scripture captures the essence of how we ought to operate in all relationships. Forgiveness is sometimes so hard especially if we feel like we are being taken for granted. Even though in truly loving others, we are not looking for a pat on the back, it doesn’t mean that loving someone gives them the right to walk all over our feelings. Its hard at times but we must forgive.

If someone constantly hurts you over and over again, eventually this will frustrate the very intent of love. We want to remain kind despite how others threat us. We must continue in kindness. Being bitter is not an option. Cry, shout, pray, jog- if you have to and get over it. God will strengthen you. But do know that habitual disregard of your feelings by people you love may mean that you can’t keep them too close. Forgiveness does not mean you allow others to walk over you. It means that you canceled the wrong they did to you and chose to let it go. Forgiveness deals with past actions as such be more protective of your heart in the future.

Not withstand remember to be better not bitter. A little kindness and love goes a long way.

God bless!

We Just Wanna Know

Women want men that can lead

Men generally feel that the women of this society (being more educated and all) don’t want to be lead by them.  I don’t believe this as there may be some misunderstanding where this is concerned.

A Woman doesn’t mind a man leading – but when he seems to operate without a compass it scares and confuses her. On the job we often find it very challenging to do our work if those we report to are not clear in defining goals and what it is we are to do. It is no different in relationships. In the man’s seat of authority, he must be clear on what it is that he is expecting. Women don’t just want to know what you are thinking of doing (Getting a car, buying a house, investments, marriage, children, etc). We want to know why, when, how, etc. We just want to know.

Initially little uncertainties (not knowing) make women hesitant but as this persist we get frustrated. At this point of frustration, a man feels hassled and annoyed. Thus everyone goes around in circles being ruled by negative emotions. If communication is poor this may cause a further breakdown or end of the relationship altogether.

It is simple if men want to lead they must step up and forget about their pride. Men, sometimes when you don’t know the answers say so. Maybe you’ll both find a solution together, one that you both will work towards. So yes there are women who don’t mind men leading it’s just a little more dynamic.

What if you never got married?

I remember having a conversation with a female colleague when I just started graduate study. She expressed to me that she wouldn’t dear take on studies beyond the undergraduate level until she was married. This was because most men that are single and looking for a wife are not as qualified and having a master’s degree would rule out possible future mates. I could understand her logic, men being egotistical and all, but my question to her was: “What if you never got married?”

This conversation happened eight years ago and this young lady still has all her career dreams and aspirations on hold waiting for this elusive mate. Why should one delay their dreams without even being in a committed relationship?  By committed relationship, I mean married or officially declared/ engaged. Not a mere promise from someone who is not accountable to you or anyone else and can leave the next minute if it pleased him.

To an extent I think women generally have an innate need for commitment. Sometimes when its not there we still assume it to be there. A woman can be in a relationship for months and years and her main reason for staying is because she believes that he is going to marry her. She will give up opportunities just for that very fact. Even if officially the other person (the man) did not declare this. Her hope is place in what she sees in the future and as this commitment is delayed, disappointment sets in. She may even become resentful often considering what she gave up or is still giving up.

My dear sisters, live your lives in contentment. Appreciate your current situations and make the most of them. If you are not committed to a man, there is no need to delay your life just to please him. But you will find, if you live your life being happy in your state, giving of yourself to the Lord and seizing each day, you will have joy and peace in God’s comforting presence.  Don’t get manipulative or use ultimatums to get men to commit to you. Just live the life God intended for you to live. Who knows in putting the Lord first, He’ll just send you someone who is truly ready to commit. At least then, you won’t have any resentment. Trust the Lord!

 

It’s not a want, IT’S A NEED!

 Though it is customary for all to think that all women live in Lala-land believing in a prince Charming or that we all yearn for “tall dark and handsome”- when you get to the core of us you find that- this is sometimes far from the truth.  Women come in many variations and are sometimes so diverse that it’s hard for men to understand us. But there is one language that when spoken correctly we all get it! It’s called love.

 This is most definitely not talking about a man that is being overly needy or jealous—its more about someone that goes above and beyond to love his woman on her terms not expecting anything in return.

Loving her on her terms shows her that you pay attention to her needs. Loving her on her terms could mean that you hold her hands when walking together just because she likes it.  It could be not holding her hand because that’s not her thing.  Either way, you must make her feel loved on her terms without making her feel like you are doing what you do because you are expecting her to do something in return. When men do things just for returned favors it puts them in a position to get used.  A man has to understand that that love void in a woman if filled creates an aim and desire to please him.

 The worst thing a man can do is threat the woman in his life like a second class citizen, even if it is not intentional. Many marriages break up because men work too many hours, or are too busy with other things. Even though she knows it’s to support the family not receiving that loving affection throws her off.  Many women get frustrated not receiving this love and are led to think that their significant other is unable of loving them as they ought.  This lack further derails the relationship as additional voids are highlighted and before you know it, two people that were once in love find themselves in nasty divorce battles.

 It doesn’t have to go that far. Let’s do what the Bible says: Eph. 5:22-27: Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

My Conversation with Society 2 Weeks Before My 30th Birthday

kerrybeach

Society: Well hello there. It’s drawing near…

 Me: Hey

Society: How are you feeling?

Me: Just wonderful I tell ya, great things are happening in my life.

Society: Great things? You’re single! Your biological clock is ticking so you better hurry up.

Me:  Huh?

Society: Girl don’t you know you can’t hug your degree or your career?

Me: Seriously, who goes to school to hug a degree? Are you trying to tell me that the men of today don’t appreciate strong, intelligent women? Why should I have to choose between a family and an education/Career?

Society: It doesn’t look good. The ideal is for a woman to establish her home and family by age thirty. If you start now you can make it before you turn thirty one.

Me: Just what are you trying to say? Just grab any old body?

Society: An apple is apple. It doesn’t really matter. Choice is overrated when you are lonely.

Me: I can understand your point on loneliness; no one wants to be alone.  I don’t want to be alone. Now Society, you listen, I have absolutely no intention of adding to the already high divorce rates that saturate your existence. My reason for getting married will never be to fit in your little box. It will be to someone I love that also loves me, for me.

Society: hahaha , you are going to be an emotional wreck, you wait and see. After that you’ll become a hard unhappy stone that will make the life of everyone around you miserable.

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Me: Society if that’s how you feel about me I’m withdrawing my membership from you. Your definition for a good life is wrong and only seeks to please eyes and the status quo. I’m choosing to be defined by what the word of God says. The man that finds me will find a good thing. I won’t be desperate, I’ll be wise in waiting. Trusting God’s direction and instructions  to my true love.  I will “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen my heart.

A Little Advice:

Dear singles if you have to lose track of who you are to fit in someone’s ideology, it’s not worth it and you won’t be happy. Do you. And do you the right way.

 Till next time God bless you!

Spoilt Tomatoes, Buyer Beware

 

Tomatoes-007

Normally when I shop for tomatoes I would go to the vegetable market, handpick the ones I want after scrutinizing them individually before I pay. If I pick one up that’s bad or show signs of rot, I would put it back in the pile. But there are times when I buy tomatoes in the supermarket and they are nicely packaged and wrapped in a size that’s very convenient to me.  No time to handpick, I  just grab and go.

Its time to cook and I reach in my refrigerator for the tomatoes that I bought at the supermarket nicely packaged only to fine that, they weren’t all that lovely as they were packaged in a way that the rotten parts were not revealed. Sounds familiar…..

It should be, if not with vegetables, with relationships. You meet someone and they are out of this world amazing only to find that they were only disguising their true rotten self. Often when you figure it out you have already made the purchase or have given of yourself something that you can’t take back, your effort, time, emotions etc. Yes it sucks, cause no one wants to get stuck with rotten tomatoes.

So this is what you do:

  1. Be very PATIENT in selecting your significant other.
  2. Scrutinize before you buy. Its better to find out the individuals fault before you commit to them. In doing this everyone is on the same page limiting the potential for relationship threatening surprises.
  3. Ask God to guide you in selecting, He won’t steer you wrong.
  4. And finally, be HONEST and true about yourself. If you don’t want to take home a rotten tomato, don’t be one.

God Bless J

Single By Love!

Often you hear the many reasons why individuals are single, common of which are by choice and by circumstances. But how can one be single by love. Doesn’t love bring us together? Doesn’t love draw others to you?

Many can testify that they are not single because they choose to be. They can also tell you it’s not because they couldn’t be married. But it was more so because they are waiting and preparing for that one individual that God will bid them to. They might have met someone that they fell head over heels for. Everything went in gear to move towards marriage and the Lord said no. God wasn’t trying to make them unhappy, but He has the ability to see what is in the future for both individuals concerned. As such they can say I am alone because God said so. In their love for God they obeyed. While there are others that did their own thing, ignoring what God has instructed and later on would have to bear the burden of the pain of disobedience.

There is also the scenario of marrying someone that you are not in love with. Many enter loveless marriages for varying reasons: status, money, stability, sex, citizenship, to fit in and the list goes on. But marriage shouldn’t be based on these vain things or whenever these are gone, the marriage will crumble. Love bears all things so it will cause people to cling to each other. The vainness of our society has devastatingly affected the marriages of today. The divorce rate is proof of that. It is better to be single waiting for love than to marry for reasons other than what God intended and end up going through the trauma of a broken marriage.

Then there is the scenario of red flags and cards going up all over the place. That is, you met or like someone, but they do little things that indicate to you that they are just not right for you. These are not just frivolous things, but cornerstones to who you are. Things like that individual’s faithfulness to God and family. Is that person obedient to the word of God? This is always a good distinguisher. How compromising are they? Key note in this area will give you a true idea of the individual’s character. In this sense you love you enough to not be led like a sheep to the slaughter by a ravenous wolf.

One can be single because God (love) said so. You can be single because you genuinely want to marry for love. And finally, you can be single because you love yourself enough to chose wisely. SO yes we can be single by love!

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Hearts In Storage

As it is on the dating scene, people move from mate to mate in pursuit of that special someone. As a result of this, some people get hurt. Some of this hurt takes years to be healed. Sometimes people don’t get over it but instead become bitter and harden not really letting others in.
While some can successfully move on after a breakup, forgiving and then entrusting their heart to someone else; others may give up on relationships all together while others continue having relationships not truly opening up their hearts to those they are with. We can see how the latter two can create problems. A relationship is a true connection of body, soul and spirit. Center to this connection is the heart. Heart has to be in it. However, a situation is created where people are in relationships and their hearts are just not available. Not available because someone broke it.

These broken hearts are treated similar to how we treat our other broken possessions:

  • we get it fixed,
  • we remove it from operation and store it somewhere that it is not seen or
  • we toss it out.

I want to however, zoom in on the heart that is broken and placed in storage. I recently started using fresh or dried beans when cooking rather than buying the canned ones as I found it to be a healthier choice. I was fascinated to see how the dried beans came alive after being soaked in water for a while. Through the process of osmosis dried cells were rejuvenated. Makes me think about the hearts that are broken and stored away. Left dry and hard, that they can come alive again if infused in the water of love and healing.
Paramount in this healing process is forgiveness. If people fail to forgive, they will remain bitter and hard. Too many singles fall in this boat. Unresolved issues cause serious problems when people come together in a relationship. If you are currently dating, and suffered from a broken heart try forgiving those who have hurt you.

It is also good to communicate your grievances with the those that have hurt you. Get it off your chest calmly and respectfully. Face the problem or the issue. Apologize when you are wrong and be ready to release people even when they have wronged you and refuse to accept it and apologize. The freedom that comes from a clear conscience is priceless.

Trust God to heal you. His love is above all and He  mends the broken heart!

Don’t place your heart in storage- fix it!