I have always looked for the critical path- the shortest possible route in everything that I do. Being efficient has always been a big deal to me. I found the fastest way to earn a degree, the fastest way to finish work projects, to get house work done, to get promoted, to own a home etc. However, my critical path methodology never seemed to work on relationships and this is why. My career, education, physical possessions and all these things are all different from relationships. Relationships don’t happen because you plan them.
Relationships require intimacy (closeness, familiarity, understanding, confidence, affection, tenderness). Now to be honest I have met individuals that I felt connected to. But I can’t remember ever having a confidence in someone’s character, to really trust to the point of vouching for them. I had deep affection, I felt close and there was even tenderness. But I was short tempered and not patient with a lot of things, and it boils down to confidence in the other person. Just as I can say the Lord will deliver me, because I know he will. If I know for real that this individual’s motives are true then I can rest in that fact. But I can’t be confident in what I don’t know.
Men are sometimes not truly expressive of who they are in ways that women appreciate. And even if they talk a lot, its usually a bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with the main course. Fellas if we don’t know you, we wont trust you. Trust comes from intimacy. Knowing enough to believe. Trust is not faith. Trust comes with evidence that can be seen. Women require security- not knowing makes us edgy and annoying. Ive been there. I’m happy today that I’m over that. I have a God with whom I’ve learned to be intimate. Not just praying because I know I have to pray. But to actual know him and commune with him, it is just a blessing. This gives me the strength to wait. I’m learning to be patient with others. It has now created the basis on which my relationship with my future husband will be built.
One of love, trust and sweet communion. I’ve found a new critical path- thank you LORD!
I am a faith-based writer who first published in 2009. My first project, Planning My Money, was done as a fundraiser for my church’s youth department. All proceeds for the hardcopy or eBook version go directly to the church.
I’m currently working on two projects: While I’m Waiting 2 and For the Discouraged at Work. It is one thing to write, and I love doing that. However, there are other areas that acquire a cost such as: cover and book design, editing, copyright registration, etc. Please help me to cover these expenses, that way I can continue to share what God has laid on my heart for free.
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Today is just one of those days that I’m truly appreciative of the love of God in my life. When I lived in New York, especially during the winter months, I enjoyed the console of wrapping myself in a fluffy comforter and just melting away in sleepful bliss. Now I’m back in Jamaica, and having a comforter on the bed is just for fashion (It’s too HOT).
As a Christian single, I endure many moments of praying that I was married and had my husband by my side to comfort me. But as I grow in Christ, I’m realizing more and more, that even when I don’t have things going my way, that I always have a Comforter. He is a Comforter that wraps me in a protective blanket in my most trying times and helps me to rest well for my triumphs and victories.
When I look at the harmful situations He has rescued me from, the horrors He has walked me through, the great accomplishments He has helped me to reach, I’m just very appreciative of this specific period of my life. It’s not Disney World, but being single is not all bad either.
In whatever state I am, I know I have a Comforter. So I’m enjoying life now. You should too.
“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever” (John 14:16)
I have never travelled in a hot air balloon, and since its not a very popular mode of transportation this might be a similarly scenario for most of us. But even though we have never travelled this way, at some point in our lives, we all have floated on the hot air of words. Promises not materialized.
Both sexes have succumbed to this. Individuals coming into our lives with wonderful words that take us up in the clouds above the ground. How wonderful it feels to be loved. Everything is just dandy until one day, the heat flame that causes the balloon to rise dwindles and we start our descent back to the earth to a realization that it was all words. Such a disappointment. Words of love are beautiful, and promises give hope, but I rather to be given the truth that to be fed false love. So my fellow singles be very vigilant in ensuring that you are not encapsulated by words only. But also consider the works that follow. 1 John 3:18 encourages us to “not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” As such, if you don’t want to be fed hot air, don’t do the same to others.
It’s a wonderful feeling to wake up free, joyful and bursting with love. A few years ago I didn’t thought it possible to feel this way as a single Christian. Now, my life has taken on new meaning. Not just for what will happen in my future, but for all the great undertakings God has for me now. In my singleness I have found my true purpose in God and with this revelation comes a lot of peace. With this revelation comes a passion filled vision, that’s bigger me and anyone I could ever cross paths with.
I have become that whole. Complete in Him that was crucified. Marching daily in His will, it’s always forward still. I am seeking His kingdom first and all His righteousness. There is just too much to do to just sit around wondering what’s next. So if you are single, and in misery I assure you, there is great comfort in HIM. You might be trying to find happiness my manipulating someone into being your spouse, lying about who you really are, bending over backwards just so things will work. But if that’s what you have to do, you will always hurt. Remember whatever you do to start the relationship, will require a lot more work to maintain it. Seek the Lord in all your ways, sometimes when it’s too hard God is saying let go! He wants to give you that true peace. Only trust that He wants the BEST for you!
A few weeks ago I was at a workshop geared towards men. The theme of this workshop was “Maximizing Your Manhood”. The information was wonderful. There were pastors sharing their experiences to empower younger men. I wish all the single brothers I knew could be there because frankly most men today don’t really know how to be men. They have been socialized into taking on more feminine roles while women seem to be taking the lead.
In most modern homes even when a father is present, the mother is the sole authority on raising the children. I am by no means bashing women, but young men need the mentorship of other men. Mom’s instructions and guidance are wonderful and most times wise, but she is giving it from a female’s perspective. Fathers need to have a relationship with their sons. Talk to them about women, talk to them about handling disputes, take them fishing and hunting, help them plan their future, share your experiences with them. Share the man code. If the father is not present another male can step up to the plate and be a father figure.
After Joshua, there arose a generation that new not God, from what I’m seeing soon there will be a generation of men that will be so emasculated that its scares me. What will happen to the generation that follows me? Or the one after that? Women should not have to limit their achievements to make men feel better about themselves. So many women are currently being verbally and physically abused by weak men that don’t know how to lead. For these men slapping a woman around gives them the leadership role in the relationship. But that’s not being a leader, that’s being a boss. People are willing to follow leaders, but no one likes a boss. Leaders are visionaries not manipulators. Men I beg of you arise and be the leaders you were called to be.
I really thought I was the only one thinking about it, only to find that so many families and churches are grappling with this. Just a note to women, we are not to tear our men down, but to help them build and get to the place God has called them to be.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Eph. 4:32
The above scripture captures the essence of how we ought to operate in all relationships. Forgiveness is sometimes so hard especially if we feel like we are being taken for granted. Even though in truly loving others, we are not looking for a pat on the back, it doesn’t mean that loving someone gives them the right to walk all over our feelings. Its hard at times but we must forgive.
If someone constantly hurts you over and over again, eventually this will frustrate the very intent of love. We want to remain kind despite how others threat us. We must continue in kindness. Being bitter is not an option. Cry, shout, pray, jog- if you have to and get over it. God will strengthen you. But do know that habitual disregard of your feelings by people you love may mean that you can’t keep them too close. Forgiveness does not mean you allow others to walk over you. It means that you canceled the wrong they did to you and chose to let it go. Forgiveness deals with past actions as such be more protective of your heart in the future.
Not withstand remember to be better not bitter. A little kindness and love goes a long way.
If the above is your sole reason for staying in a relationship you will always be missing out on the joy of having a union in which you are treated the way that you are to be.
So many men spend heavily on women that have no real desire of being with them but despite being treated like the scum of the earth they stick around because “they have invested too much.” There are women that stay in abusive relationships to their deaths. Why? “They have been together for years and there is just too much invested. But who really gains from these arrangements?
Recently there has been much news about Ponzi investment schemes, which promise high interest and quick returns. So many people invested all their life savings in them because of a hope living free. Why should they work if their money can work for them? Right? Only to find that after a while these schemes failed and they ended up losing everything having to start all over again (I know a few people that this happened to).
There is much similarity between a Ponzi scheme and being in a relationship investing away in something that is not real. You might get some return that might be high in your book, like filling the need to not being lonely, social status, financial support, etc. However be assured of this, if the instrument you invest in is phony, even if you are getting some amount of return, its failure is only a matter of time.
I will however advise don’t just leave a relationship because you feel mistreated as sometimes we make things bigger than they actually are. Pray about it. Seek a third unbiased opinion. Get counselling; who knows maybe everything was a big misunderstanding. Whatever you do, take a decision that’s in the best interest of your heart.
Men generally feel that the women of this society (being more educated and all) don’t want to be lead by them. I don’t believe this as there may be some misunderstanding where this is concerned.
A Woman doesn’t mind a man leading – but when he seems to operate without a compass it scares and confuses her. On the job we often find it very challenging to do our work if those we report to are not clear in defining goals and what it is we are to do. It is no different in relationships. In the man’s seat of authority, he must be clear on what it is that he is expecting. Women don’t just want to know what you are thinking of doing (Getting a car, buying a house, investments, marriage, children, etc). We want to know why, when, how, etc. We just want to know.
Initially little uncertainties (not knowing) make women hesitant but as this persist we get frustrated. At this point of frustration, a man feels hassled and annoyed. Thus everyone goes around in circles being ruled by negative emotions. If communication is poor this may cause a further breakdown or end of the relationship altogether.
It is simple if men want to lead they must step up and forget about their pride. Men, sometimes when you don’t know the answers say so. Maybe you’ll both find a solution together, one that you both will work towards. So yes there are women who don’t mind men leading it’s just a little more dynamic.
I remember having a conversation with a female colleague when I just started graduate study. She expressed to me that she wouldn’t dear take on studies beyond the undergraduate level until she was married. This was because most men that are single and looking for a wife are not as qualified and having a master’s degree would rule out possible future mates. I could understand her logic, men being egotistical and all, but my question to her was: “What if you never got married?”
This conversation happened eight years ago and this young lady still has all her career dreams and aspirations on hold waiting for this elusive mate. Why should one delay their dreams without even being in a committed relationship? By committed relationship, I mean married or officially declared/ engaged. Not a mere promise from someone who is not accountable to you or anyone else and can leave the next minute if it pleased him.
To an extent I think women generally have an innate need for commitment. Sometimes when its not there we still assume it to be there. A woman can be in a relationship for months and years and her main reason for staying is because she believes that he is going to marry her. She will give up opportunities just for that very fact. Even if officially the other person (the man) did not declare this. Her hope is place in what she sees in the future and as this commitment is delayed, disappointment sets in. She may even become resentful often considering what she gave up or is still giving up.
My dear sisters, live your lives in contentment. Appreciate your current situations and make the most of them. If you are not committed to a man, there is no need to delay your life just to please him. But you will find, if you live your life being happy in your state, giving of yourself to the Lord and seizing each day, you will have joy and peace in God’s comforting presence. Don’t get manipulative or use ultimatums to get men to commit to you. Just live the life God intended for you to live. Who knows in putting the Lord first, He’ll just send you someone who is truly ready to commit. At least then, you won’t have any resentment. Trust the Lord!